A Love Letter to Jon Stewart

Dear Mr. Stewart,

Hi.  It’s me, Allie.  You have literally no idea who I am so I’m not sure why I’m bothering with introductions.  Anyway.

I won’t lie to you, when I first saw the news that you were stepping down, it was on Twitter and had been tweeted out by ArtsMic.  Given the disdain I feel for that particular news outlet, I simply assumed this was an error.  But, alas, I got a “News Alert” from a “respectable” media outlet and had to accept the truth–that you’ll be leaving us by year’s end.

Although you and the world seemed to struggle with defining what exactly it is that you do (“fake news,” “news commentary,” “political commentary,” or something in between), I’ve seen this role as secondary to a more important one.  You call America on its bullshit.

Late Night Connection

I look up from the table, my eyes scanning the crowded floor. I’m not certain what it is that I’m looking for, but somehow instinctively trust that I’ll recognize it when I find it. Looking from face to face, group to group, I hunt for that magical connection that tells me I can trust you.

It’s not often that I find myself in this situation. Usually when I come here it’s with a big group of friends; I sit around a table with them and we talk, joke, and make just a little more noise than everyone else, enough that they probably resent us, but not enough to justify getting mad at us. But tonight I’m here alone, sitting at a table in the middle of the floor, looking at the people around me.

Marvel 301 – Phase 3 Syllabus

Assuming you haven’t been living under a rock (or in whatever part of the internet my pop-culture-isolated mom inhabits), you’ve probably heard about the announcement of Marvel Studios’s schedule for the next four and a half years. Phase 3 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe will comprise nine movies, including sequels for Captain America, Thor, and Guardians of the Galaxy, new franchises Dr. Strange, Black Panther, Captain Marvel, and the Inhumans, and a two-part conclusion titled Avengers: Infinity War.

That’s a lot, and if you don’t read Marvel comics, that can be look pretty daunting. About an hour after the announcement, my high school friend/Twitter rival Chancellor Agard (a lifelong DC Comics fan) asked me for a reading list so he could gain some background in this brave new world. I now present to you

Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase 3 Syllabus

Snapshots from the Commute, Part I

This is the first post of Allie’s multi-part Snapshots from the Commute series, where she takes advantage of the fact that she is the only writer for this blog with a full-time job, and brings you funny experiences and observations from her journey to and from work.

Some nights I have class after work.  It’s an easy enough walk uphill from Farragut North to about six minutes north of Dupont, so I do it frequently–rockin’ my “wannabe Kate Spade model” vibe with my pink topcoat (approachable!) and gold snake brooch (not so approachable!)

I was already steamed as I walked across Dupont Circle, angry that I had forgone a Shack Burger (hold the lettuce) for dinner in an attempt to be healthy, choosing instead a homemade peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Little did I know that the PB&J was within a hundred calories of the burger, and not nearly as enjoyable to eat.  I felt cheated.  Lied to.

End of Autumn: Democratic Fundraising Emails in One Act

Ah, autumn. The time when Democratic fundraising emails turn to proclamations of doomsday disasters. I’ve gotten used to this cycle; we’ve seen it many times before. But after awhile, I realized these weren’t ordinary fundraising emails – I was being shared on a dialogue chronicling an emotional crisis in a relationship. I have taken it upon myself to reconstruct this scenario, with each line being made up exclusively of actual subject lines from Democratic fundraising emails.

End of Autumn: The Midterm Crisis

SAMANTHA: Roger, can we talk?                                                                   (DNC)

ROGER: Mondays are the worst.                                                                      (DGA)

SAMANTHA: We need to get to the bottom of this.                                    (Elizabeth Warren)

ROGER: What’s going on, Samantha?                                                           (DGA)

Democratic Fundraising in 2014: Performance Art?

Anyone who has ever donated even a little bit to a Democratic candidate for office or a Democratic-leaning interest group has had their inboxes BOMBARDED in the past couple of months with some incredibly ridiculous emails.  Because everyone knows that it’s YOUR withholding of $5, and not the inability to put out a strong message/cyclical midterm backlash against the President’s party/fight to turn very red states blue that is making this election so damn tough for Democrats. [As you see in the About Us, we are Democrats through and through.  But who doesn’t like a good self-deprecating laugh every so often?]

I took it upon myself to sort through this library of harassment and desperation, and my analysis has revealed 11 new tactics the Democrats employed to raise money in 2014.  The primary sources don’t lie*.

*These are all 100% real emails Will and I received from various Democratic candidates and groups.  If you want a copy of one or several to check our research, please just comment here and we’ll get it to you.

Midterm Races to Watch

If you have turned on a television or been on the Internet at all in the past 18 months, you are probably aware of a little thing called “Midterms,” or, the round of congressional and statewide elections occurring in the middle of a President’s term.  Given our Congress’s incredible inability to achieve, well, anything, the 2014 midterms have been particularly closely followed and analyzed in hopes of gleaning some clue as to whether they will usher in a time of compromise and productivity in our government.  (Spoiler alert:  they will not).

With Republicans widely expected to gain a majority in the Senate and increase their vise-grip on the House, we here at I Bought My Adulthood wanted to spare you the investment of time, emotions, and energy in researching the many races and just tell you which ones we were following and why.  As a quick PSA, I Bought My Adulthood strongly endorses the practice of voting–to quote Sally and the Suffragettes (with a little help from Will Bailey), “No matter who you vote for, make sure you vote!”  Every vote will count in this election, and you don’t want to be left out when the polls close in your city or town.

Check back with us next week as we deliver even more midterm coverage, and tune into your favorite news channel on Tuesday, November 4th, to follow the returns along with us.  (We will be live-tweeting all night at @allie_vandine, @wred42, and @ekgrau.) Until then, happy voting!

Eye Rolls: the Abroad Edition

A small sampling on a 1-5 scale of the many, the famed, Grau Eye Rolls with a #soabroad twist. Emily would like to acknowledge that she, the girl who, during her first week in France, managed to lock her host family’s cat in a closet for an entire day, really has no place to judge. But it’s fun anyway. 

Ok, you’re taking a selfie with Anne Frank’s memorial statue. To be honest, I really couldn’t care less. Oh…you didn’t like that one? You need to fix your makeup? No, no, I really don’t think a sorority squat is necessary right now…By the time we’ve reached pose number 5 and this has turned into a full out photoshoot, eyes have been rolled and then some.

Eye Rolls Rating: solid 5

Snap with common sense, my friends. If you need guidelines, step 1 is to avoid anything Holocaust-themed.

Plotting a Fascist Takeover of Your High School: The First Election

Welcome back, everyone. It’s time for another lesson in “Plotting a Fascist Takeover of Your High School!” If you haven’t read part one, head over here and do that now. We’ll wait for you.

Great! Now that you have discontent with your student government and medium-level popularity, it’s time to start making alliances. You need to walk a careful line here, being exclusive without seeming obnoxious about it. Presumably your early allies are friends of yours, but you want to identify them in another group that can provide you with recruits. My party did speech and debate, because it’s already made up of people who are booth good speakers and megalomaniacs – both of which are basic requirements for fascism. The advantage of growing out of a club instead of a friend group is that it makes you look like a common interest group rather than a bunch of dumb, goofy dudes with a crazy idea. That’s what you are, but nobody needs to know that.

Every Day When I’m Walking Down the Street: A Misanthrope’s Motto

I have a lot of buzzwords. I’m basically a ridiculous sitcom character, churning out catchphrases at every turn. Some of them, like “I’m a champion,” “What’s up cool kids?” and “You can’t say ‘moon’ with fewer than seven o’s,” are fairly innocuous and reflect my goofy self-confidence. Others have more to do with how I perceive myself and structure my life, most frequent habit of extolling the twin virtues of order and efficiency.

Efficiency drives a lot of what I do. Most people see it as a way to get things done, but I often structure the way I do things with efficiency as an end in itself. Not all time-wasting bothers me; I sit around watching Netflix, reading comic books, and singing musical theatre when I’m supposed to be working, and I think nothing of it. That’s because time-wasting doesn’t bother me until I get the feeling that it’s happening because something is being done inefficiently. I like things to be done in a direct, logical manner, without a lot of unnecessary repetition or pointless deviations. That might make me impatient, or even curt, but it also means my time isn’t wasted, and neither is anyone else’s.