A Love Letter to Jon Stewart

Dear Mr. Stewart,

Hi.  It’s me, Allie.  You have literally no idea who I am so I’m not sure why I’m bothering with introductions.  Anyway.

I won’t lie to you, when I first saw the news that you were stepping down, it was on Twitter and had been tweeted out by ArtsMic.  Given the disdain I feel for that particular news outlet, I simply assumed this was an error.  But, alas, I got a “News Alert” from a “respectable” media outlet and had to accept the truth–that you’ll be leaving us by year’s end.

Although you and the world seemed to struggle with defining what exactly it is that you do (“fake news,” “news commentary,” “political commentary,” or something in between), I’ve seen this role as secondary to a more important one.  You call America on its bullshit.

Snapshots from the Commute, Part I

This is the first post of Allie’s multi-part Snapshots from the Commute series, where she takes advantage of the fact that she is the only writer for this blog with a full-time job, and brings you funny experiences and observations from her journey to and from work.

Some nights I have class after work.  It’s an easy enough walk uphill from Farragut North to about six minutes north of Dupont, so I do it frequently–rockin’ my “wannabe Kate Spade model” vibe with my pink topcoat (approachable!) and gold snake brooch (not so approachable!)

I was already steamed as I walked across Dupont Circle, angry that I had forgone a Shack Burger (hold the lettuce) for dinner in an attempt to be healthy, choosing instead a homemade peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Little did I know that the PB&J was within a hundred calories of the burger, and not nearly as enjoyable to eat.  I felt cheated.  Lied to.

Democratic Fundraising in 2014: Performance Art?

Anyone who has ever donated even a little bit to a Democratic candidate for office or a Democratic-leaning interest group has had their inboxes BOMBARDED in the past couple of months with some incredibly ridiculous emails.  Because everyone knows that it’s YOUR withholding of $5, and not the inability to put out a strong message/cyclical midterm backlash against the President’s party/fight to turn very red states blue that is making this election so damn tough for Democrats. [As you see in the About Us, we are Democrats through and through.  But who doesn’t like a good self-deprecating laugh every so often?]

I took it upon myself to sort through this library of harassment and desperation, and my analysis has revealed 11 new tactics the Democrats employed to raise money in 2014.  The primary sources don’t lie*.

*These are all 100% real emails Will and I received from various Democratic candidates and groups.  If you want a copy of one or several to check our research, please just comment here and we’ll get it to you.

Midterm Races to Watch

If you have turned on a television or been on the Internet at all in the past 18 months, you are probably aware of a little thing called “Midterms,” or, the round of congressional and statewide elections occurring in the middle of a President’s term.  Given our Congress’s incredible inability to achieve, well, anything, the 2014 midterms have been particularly closely followed and analyzed in hopes of gleaning some clue as to whether they will usher in a time of compromise and productivity in our government.  (Spoiler alert:  they will not).

With Republicans widely expected to gain a majority in the Senate and increase their vise-grip on the House, we here at I Bought My Adulthood wanted to spare you the investment of time, emotions, and energy in researching the many races and just tell you which ones we were following and why.  As a quick PSA, I Bought My Adulthood strongly endorses the practice of voting–to quote Sally and the Suffragettes (with a little help from Will Bailey), “No matter who you vote for, make sure you vote!”  Every vote will count in this election, and you don’t want to be left out when the polls close in your city or town.

Check back with us next week as we deliver even more midterm coverage, and tune into your favorite news channel on Tuesday, November 4th, to follow the returns along with us.  (We will be live-tweeting all night at @allie_vandine, @wred42, and @ekgrau.) Until then, happy voting!

Strategic Sparrow Strikes: Princess Olga’s Badass Lessons for Modern Leaders

This post is the first in Allie’s ongoing Badass Lessons for Modern Leaders series, which seeks to [somewhat] jokingly tease out how to be feared and admired.  

As Putin’s recent aggressive nuclear rhetoric flies across the Atlantic Ocean, the idea of the nuclear deterrent is back in the news.  This concept, while an uneasy backdrop to American life from 1945 to the present, largely faded from public discussion after the fall of the Berlin Wall.  In fact, as President Obama undertook his reset with Russia and the New START treaty was signed, many nuke-watchers, myself included, thought we stood on the cusp of unprecedented nuclear disarmament.

No more.  With Putin’s aggression in Crimea, the idea of significant nuclear cuts beyond New START is no longer geopolitically feasible.  However, I would like to take this moment to urge U.S. leaders to take a page out of Russian history and develop an altogether different sort of deterrent.  A deterrent that starts with the sort of vengeful creativity that only comes from the mind of a woman scorned.

This is a true story.  Or, at least, as true as one can get when there’s only one primary source available for the period.  Readers should bear in mind three things: one, I have punched up the Primary Chronicle’s original dialogue for the benefit of the modern reader, two, Princess Olga is my actual hero, and three, this would be the greatest episode of Drunk History ever.  Anyway: 

Leslie vs. Liz: An Eternal Struggle

One twenty-two year old taking on the Big City, two female role models provided by SNL alumni on NBC.

The first, the unstoppable Leslie Knope–five feet, two inches of unflappable belief in the power of a town hall meeting, who has more great ideas before breakfast than most of us have in a year, and who can always broker some sort of solution.  Every.  Time.

The second, the, as Netflix describes her, “unlucky-in-love New Yorker” Liz Lemon, who unabashedly consumes off-brand Sabor de Soledad cheese puffs at work, wears exclusively close-toed shoes, and lies awake at night “wondering what fresh hell tomorrow will bring” her.

Anatomy of a Think Tank Talk

SETTING:  A brightly-lit room on the tenth floor of a tall, shiny building in downtown DC.  Walking from the metro to the marble lobby, one would pass perhaps two Au Bon Pains and twice as many Starbucks.  In the hallway outside the room, coffee, tea, and bottled water are offered alongside boxes of lukewarm wrap sandwiches dripping mayonnaise and platters of cookies, 90% of which are oatmeal raisin.  Someone was hoping no one would notice.

Inside the room, three video cameras are set up.  One films a livestream watched by approximately three people, all of whom are interns that are actually on Facebook chat or Tinder at their desks.  The second broadcasts to CSPAN (does anyone watch that?).  The third is operated by an undergraduate research assistant to the PhD moderating the panel so that it can be added to the “Media” section of his boss’s website.   It is here we meet our cast of characters: